Dbeda Forum

The other person feels unloved when you shut down, it's not a fair thing to do.

Quote from: Deeseewhe on Oct 09, 2024, 03:07 PMThe other person feels unloved when you shut down, it's not a fair thing to do.

Why are you people so selfish?
Ok, what triggers the shut down?
Have you bothered to consider that?

Quote from: Deeseewhe on Oct 09, 2024, 03:07 PMThe other person feels unloved when you shut down, it's not a fair thing to do.

How would you feel if they blatantly make you know your manner of communication and action isn't cool too?
Because that's just what it is🤷
It isn't cool with them either.

Quote from: Kemkem on Oct 09, 2024, 03:12 PMHow would you feel if they blatantly make you know your manner of communication and action isn't cool too?
Because that's just what it is🤷
It isn't cool with them either.

They should say it first

Quote from: Deeseewhe on Oct 09, 2024, 03:13 PMThey should say it first

In the middle of the argument or discussion, so it could lead to what exactly?

Quote from: Kemkem on Oct 09, 2024, 03:14 PMIn the middle of the argument or discussion, so it could lead to what exactly?

I'm trying to believe now with this topic that maturity is part of what's wired in these people's brain (those who shut down). If you can do it without hating, maybe it means you're more matured.

Quote from: Deeseewhe on Oct 09, 2024, 03:13 PMThey should say it first

They need space to calm and to get the issue cool down. What's difficult in that?
Why can't you just understand instead of making a big deal out of nothing?

Lol, I think it's more of compatibility than any other thing. If you're still at the courtship stage, all I can say is don't settle if you have a problem with it. It shouldn't be a problem anyway.

Quote from: Congra on Oct 09, 2024, 12:25 AMNow, there are three major ways to this thing, or let's say three major ways to disagree.
1) Fight
2) Flight
3) Freeze (also known as shutting down)

I wonder why people are always particular about the third and act as if the other two aren't important.

Contrary to popular opinion, the first two (fight and flight) could destroy things to the worst extent more than the last if done negatively.

Many people that complain about the last are fighters. Now, when you fight in the sense of facing your fear or reaching a compromise so as to get a win-win conclusion, that's not a bad thing, but you know what? A lot of people misuse this and it leads to  either 2 or 3 as a response from their partner.

Majorly, negative fighters who want to win over every single thing including when they are wrong are the cause of their partner turning to either Flight or Freeze mode.

When you have a partner that freezes, thank your stars, this could be ammended with love because they turn to that phase so as not to meet you with your negative fight or so as not to enter the flight mode. Genuinely ask yourself, how many fighters that are exactly like you have you had a successful relationship with?

People like this (Freezers) are the cutest but a lot of folks out there including therapist interprets it otherwise, all they need is just reassurance that they can always trust you and lean on you, boom! they're back to who they were.
Freezers care and most time do not want things to escalate or go bad that's why they shut down.

But those that turn it to serious stonewalling are also involved in the negative side of freezing and that's when it becomes bad.

God bless you! Some people claim it's mental disorder, I wonder how anyone would think like that.

Quote from: Rayma on Oct 09, 2024, 03:26 PMGod bless you! Some people claim it's mental disorder, I wonder how anyone would think like a that.

When they say that, always let them know their fight mode or 'Amp up and demand' method is more mental than anything else.
I'll pause my pen here.

Quote from: Laviniah on Oct 09, 2024, 03:28 PMWhen they say that, always let them know their fight mode or 'Amp up and demand' method is more mental than anything else.
I'll pause my pen here.

Lol. You see, that's definitely gonna be a bomb. What we avoid exactly, but if i'm pushed too much I'll be left with no other option.
Thanks Laviniah

Quote from: Rayma on Oct 09, 2024, 03:31 PMLol. You see, that's definitely gonna be a bomb. What we avoid exactly, but if i'm pushed too much I'll be left with no other option.
Thanks Laviniah

I hope it's not a issue with your spouse.

Quote from: Kemkem on Oct 09, 2024, 03:33 PMI hope it's not a issue with your hubby.

Not at all, my husband understands me, it's a colleague kind of thing.

Quote from: Rayma on Oct 09, 2024, 03:34 PMNot at all, my husband understands me, it's a colleague kind of thing.

Just take it easy, let the person know you usually need time to process things instead.

Quote from: Congra on Oct 09, 2024, 12:25 AMNow, there are three major ways to this thing, or let's say three major ways to disagree.
1) Fight
2) Flight
3) Freeze (also known as shutting down)

I wonder why people are always particular about the third and act as if the other two aren't important.

Contrary to popular opinion, the first two (fight and flight) could destroy things to the worst extent more than the last if done negatively.

Many people that complain about the last are fighters. Now, when you fight in the sense of facing your fear or reaching a compromise so as to get a win-win conclusion, that's not a bad thing, but you know what? A lot of people misuse this and it leads to  either 2 or 3 as a response from their partner.

Majorly, negative fighters who want to win over every single thing including when they are wrong are the cause of their partner turning to either Flight or Freeze mode.

When you have a partner that freezes, thank your stars, this could be ammended with love because they turn to that phase so as not to meet you with your negative fight or so as not to enter the flight mode. Genuinely ask yourself, how many fighters that are exactly like you have you had a successful relationship with?

People like this (Freezers) are the cutest but a lot of folks out there including therapist interprets it otherwise, all they need is just reassurance that they can always trust you and lean on you, boom! they're back to who they were.
Freezers care and most time do not want things to escalate or go bad that's why they shut down.

But those that turn it to serious stonewalling are also involved in the negative side of freezing and that's when it becomes bad.

Good point, there are also others like Fawn, Flop, Faint e.t.c
It's a matter of compatibility and I don't think any of these is a problem.
God created us differently, no two individuals are the same. Someone who freezes and someone who Fawns could just get along better.
Some people will make it look like one is a weeker fashion of the other while it's not.

I believe we all have all of these trauma and stress response method present in everyone, just that the percentage at which we are able to utilize each is different. Furthermore, they're all useful, if you say you want to keep fighting for a partner that physically abuses you for example, one day it will just lead to your death, for this scenario, Flight is the best way to go.

Knowing when to use each is the most important thing, not as if one is better, and know who your trauma response complements his or her own so as to go with this person on forever journey would be better.

As for therapists, I have said it here before, they need more clients, a lawyer would make you believe causing a battle is nothing. I'm not saying seeking a therapist's help is bad, they're very useful in the society afterall, but some things are just commonsensical.